The Shinobi Sumo League
by Eidetiker for Melodies
Summary: This is either a crackfic or an AU. Shinobi walk among us, regular humans who have gained a ninfield and whose mere presence strains all but THE BEST things. Join Uzumaki Naruto, the dead last Shinobi as he embarks on the one and only QUEST FOR THE BEST!
1. Chapter 0959: FFNETTITLESPACETOSHORT!

THE SHINOBI SUMO LEAGUE

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><p><em>Eien<em>: I've figured out my writer's block. You can't write sane plots when you're working with excess crackfic. This story is where that madness goes. No update schedule. Not considered a major project. But if you like it...

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><p>Chapter 0.959: The Beginning of Something Really Amazing<p>

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><p>The wailing of the alarm clock started and ended abruptly as my hand passed through it with such ease that if not for the squawk of the dying synthesizer it might have been an illusion made of smoke and dreams. As it was, my hand hurt from the bits of plastic embedded within it, and the shouts from the new hole in my floor told me that it was probably time to go looking for a new apartment.<p>

Pansies.

Rolling back, I hurled myself onto my feet and ran into the kitchen It was time to eat something fucking delicious. I opened my cabinets to find... instant ramen? What the _hell_?

This must be Sasuke's doing- I swear, who in their right mind would eat this shit? The real deal is great... but this? This was the food of college rounin. NOT SHINOBI.

Shinobi require THE BEST, and only THE BEST. Of everything. Because that is what a Shinobi is. An inhuman monster who does everything TO THE MAXIMUM.

For example, I didn't shut my alarm clock off, I punched a hole through the floor. That meant that the alarm clock was not THE BEST. As for the floor... The less said about it the better.

Searching for THE BEST of everything so you can go a day without fucking destroying something was the purpose of a Shinobi's life. The one, the only, the splendid and magnificent QUEST FOR THE BEST, facilitated by the SHINOBI SUMO LEAGUE. The higher you went, the more was yours. The more you had, the stronger you were, the more you took. The highest ranking wresteler was Madara Uchiha, and the man was practically fucking indestructable. That was because he owned 99% of THE BEST SHIT.

Number two, Tazuna, owned 99% of the remaining one percent, and that's how it went until you get to me, the deadlast wrestler.

I have THE BEST ORANGE JUMPSUIT.

...

Yeah, that _sucks_.


	2. Chapter 01284: Wave Goodbye2Goodtimes

_Last time on The Shinobi Sumo League!_

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><p>I have THE BEST ORANGE JUMPSUIT.<p>

...

Yeah, that _sucks_.

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><p>Shaking myself out of <em>those<em> depressing thoughts (_You_ are _not_ Sasuke!) I walked through the door of my apartment, barely even noticing as it fell to splinters behind me.

Thank god for the Shinobi Fund.

Jumping once, I allowed my Ninfield to expand and break through the floors beneath me until I reached the ground level. The building manager started screaming at me, but I ignored her and walked out into the streets of Tokyo.

It was night.

_What_ the _fuck_.

Oh wait. Doyobi.

Nevermind.

Leaving my unspeakably unbest apartment behind, I walked down the streets of Tokyo, the ends of my Konoha-Stable headband fluttering behind me. It was November, and there was snow covering the ground. It wasn't THE BEST snow, though, so it all melted around me. Even the cold just seemed... muted somehow. Like it wasn't real.

This late, in this district, the streets were almost empty, only bothered by an occasional car, a wayward traveller. Sometimes a train would pass by, returning from it's last stop.

And sometimes there was only beautiful, beautiful silence. Silence was the best. In a city like Tokyo, it was unnatural.

Thus, cherished.

Even when it was false.

Shinobi. We're a breed apart, except we aren't. We're deified, and loathed. We are heroes who are villains, monsters become saints, memories made real.

Shinobi. We are humans who are fundamentally and immutably _not_.

Shinobi. The terrifying thing about us... Is that anyone can become one of us. And when it happens in a public place, it's never pretty. I read about this little girl- Haruno Sakura, I think her name was. She killed her family and everyone else on the Yamanote Line after she woke up. When she finally snapped out of it, her personality had changed severely. She had gone from a carefree kid to a battle-hardened warriror- *_snap_*. Just like that. Faster, even. But it wasn't enough. When she came to in the hospital, after learning what she had done, she took a knife to her throat.

Only, the knife wasn't THE BEST. So it broke on her.

And she was one of the lucky ones.

I stopped, looked up into the sky as the painfully white moon peeked out from under the clouds. Everything was still and silent.

The world felt dead.

And,

And-

...

Shit.

And I was relieved.

The world felt dead, and I was relieved.

Che. I hate snow.

I really fucking hate snow.


	3. Chapter 015: More Mood Whiplash

_Last time on The Shinobi Sumo League!_

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><p>The world felt dead, and I was relieved.<p>

Che. I hate snow.

I really fucking hate snow.

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><p>When I finally entered Konoha, my knuckles were torn open and dripping blood. I didn't say anything as I calmly walked past Umino Iruka- or tried to. Just as I thought I had escaped, he laid his hand on my shoulder.<p>

"Naruto... Are you okay?"

"Never been better. Now, If you'll excuse me..."

I walked on. That man is way too perceptive for his own good. 's gonna get him killed someday.

I navigated the labyrinthine maze of passages until I ended up at a fairly nondescript door, in a nondescript hallway. It was, in fact, THE BEST nondescript door from THE BEST nondescript hallway. We imported it from some fucking corporation located in Doitsu.

I knocked once, twice, thrice, before I heard a cough and the voice of an older man beckoned, "Come in."

I entered an office that was almost the antithesis of the hallways connected to it and- "holyshitisthataspaceframe?"

The man behind the desk located in the centre of the room laughed and replied "It is indeed, Naruto. Look but don't touch, though. It's hardly THE BEST, and you don't have any gloves yet."

I nodded, and took a closer look at the ridiculously expensive piece of technology. It was currently set to show a scene of Mt. Rushmore. _Why_, precisely, Hiruzen had chosen that... Eh.

Probably the same reason why he had dozens of pictures of it scattered throughout the room.

No I don't have a clue.

Why the hell would I know about an old man's mountain-sculpture fetish?

Straightening up from the Spaceframe I walked past it into the centre of the office, saluted, bowed, and announced my formal purpose.

"Uzumaki Naruto, Genin of Konoha, reporting for training."


End file.
